Monty Python: Fetchez la Vache (Freeform)

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We've all been there. A Beshrewment sends the PCs into an unexpected match of Fetchez la Vache, and we forgot to bring our FLV set to the game! Or we just don't feel like setting it up. Or made the unconscionable decision to accidentally never buy it in the first place. What now?

Fortunately, this is the sort of thing one can handle using the standard Reenactment Programme rules. As with normal FLV rules, until the end of the match, any additional Beshrewments earned are postponed and Spiffing Serious Abilities may not be used.

Er, just double-checking, you're playing a full-sized match of FLV, right? With livestock being literally flung at you? Because if you're playing the travel-sized board game set, that's obviously just an opposed check of Strategy.

The Basics

In case you've never read the rules, here's what you need to know about FLV. Each team of fetcheurs enters the field in different zones and begins moving toward a single cow placed on the field. Your goal is to convince the cow to come with you and exit the field via your opponent's starting zone (making a sort of U-shaped movement over the course of the match).

What should be a calm, orderly affair suffers from a few complications. First, the other team will certainly try to stop you via interactions (known as conflit). The manner of attack includes verbal abuse, finding illegal shortcuts, bread-and-cheese-eating contests, and straightforward (though nonlethal) violence. What isn't nonlethal are the animals being trebucheted onto the field, as a constant danger to every fetcheur. And sometimes the (non-flying) cow gets irritated and starts farting on everyone.

Let's Reenact!

A match of FLV takes place over the course of three quarters. (Yes, three — this is before Exchequer Standards, you see.) Each quarter, every PC fetcheur will attempt to earn a Deed using one of:

• Animal Husbandry* (cow wrangling)
• Argumentation (verbal abuse)
• Heartiness (overeating, surviving attacks, methane tolerance)
• Purpose (unflappable drive to carry on)
• Strategy* (literally the "winning games" Trait!)
• Subtlety (shortcuts, stealth, backstabbing)
• Valour ("Have at thee, knaves!")

Eagle-eyed readers will notice two asterisks (*) above. These are not mere ornamentation!

1. At least one Animal Husbandry Deed is required to win a match of FLV! Without that, ignore all of the "outcome" rules below. Even with a thousand Deeds, the best result is that your group is hailed as some of the best losers the audience has seen.
2. Because Strategy was basically made for this, each PC using this Trait gets a single free reroll of it, once during the match. However, they may not reroll a Spam!

Wait, What's the Difficulty?

The HoLE decides whether to (a) assign a fixed difficulty, (b) assign the other team a skill and roll it once per quarter, or (c) do like (b) but roll it separately for every Deed attempt. If choosing (a), something in the 5-8 range is usually reasonable. If not, a d8 to d14 sounds about right.

"Jesus Christ! Run away!"

After everyone rolls for this quarter, anyone who failed to achieve a Deed is at risk of being squished by catapulted livestock. Have these PCs (only) all make a Luck, Nimbleness, or Subtlety check; see above for the difficulty. If everyone succeeds, great! If not, the fetcheur(s) who rolled the lowest get hit (roll d6).

Did We Win?

After the third quarter, assuming the fetcheurs achieved at least one Animal Husbandry Deed, add up their total Deeds and compare to the number of PCs. Use the best applicable result below.

For example, with 5 PCs, 0-4 Deeds is a huge loss, 5-7 Deeds is a close loss, 8-9 Deeds is a close win, 10-12 Deeds is a huge win, and 13+ Deeds is a walkover.

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